1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2014? (What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)
I created a home that I hope had a great sense of peace, fun and purpose (and maybe some beauty too).
I faced grief over Steven's death with courage and strength and so many, many tears and lots of snuggly blankets.
We also lost several neighbors to illness this year and my grandpa's health is failing.
I kept this promise to myself--that I would wake up every day. That I would find hope.
I kept what seemed like a promise to finish a book and I'm proud of that, although that is also the things that feels disappointing to me too--because it's not all I wanted it to be.
I made some brave, hard choices with standing up for the personal revelation I had received in my life.
I am proud that I found a sense of peace through this year--with the plan of LIFE and with my own plan.
I am proud that I strive to be kind and listen to the Spirit and follow through with those promptings.
I am proud of some of the sacrifices I made--in other words the things I made holy.
I am so proud of my relationship with Tim and that we celebrated the best vacation we have ever had for our 15th anniversary. Go us!
Proud almost seems like the wrong word--but being at the temple with Tim and Bronwyn in Newport on her 12th birthday doing temple work for family names that I had been blessed to be the one to find and enter in was pretty unbelievable amazing.
I am very proud that I am yelling less.
I am proud that I am becoming (a bit) more organized and using, you know, a calendar.
2. What is there to grieve about 2014? (What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)
This year seems truly like a year of grief after losing Tim's brother Steven. I was very down for a little over six months. And now as I look at the mortality of others in my life that I love and anticipate that future grief I almost feel that process starting again. This was disappointing and scary and hard.
I had some disappointing things happen in a few realtionships that cut me to the core in a way that I wans't expecting, surprising me at the intensity of the feelings. I learned what things I value in certain relationships/friendships and maybe a bit more about boundaries for the future. I also learned I have to be true to my own feelings and inspiration and this was perhaps a practice in that area.
What can I forgive myself for? The stepping back in many areas in order to survive overall. I cooked rarely and simply this year. I didn't do nearly the amount of family history work that I did the year before. I could never compete with the amount of eggrolls and banana bread loaves my Relief Society president delivered to our sisters. It took me TEN months to find a piano teacher. I simply wasn't up to it. Perhaps I can forgive myself for buying a hedgehog that is so cute but that Davis can't care for all by himself. AND spending WAY TOO much on books. seriously, it might be at an addictive stage. AND I let the kids play way too much on their ipads. Oh, and that GRAY OWL paint color I picked out.
3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? The next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2014 complete!" How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...
I'm so ready to move on from 2014, but I almost feel like part of me is scared to move on to 2015 to face other unknown sad things that may happen. I'm a little resistant to my kids growing up, especially Bronwyn. I'm holding on a bit to the little girl with the tea cups, but staring at the girl who is borrowing my clothes and earrings and begging for a phone.
STILL not feeling complete.
Maybe it isn't complete yet until the end of the year. . .or until I at least finish sending out my Christmas cards or maybe I'm just a little tired and contemplative right now (hence the heavy blog posting today:)).